Unbreakable Bonds: Empowering Loss Parents and Their Inner Circle with Essential Support Strategies

To the One Who Just Lost Their Child...

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

I wish I could hug you in person, take away this pain, and remove the stress and agony of the first days, weeks, and months without your child.

I see the funeral planning you never thought you’d have to do, the eulogy you never wanted to write, and the heavy decisions you never wanted to make.

At the time I’m writing this, it’s been 5.5 months since our 3 year old daughter died.  I am by no means an expert in grief but I do want to share some things I’ve found helpful in this journey.

I found the first month to be the most exhausting.  I couldn’t get through a day without at least one nap.  It felt really unfamiliar and frustrating.  I was doing the least amount of activity I'd ever done (besides crying) and I couldn’t manage to do the simplest tasks without exhaustion and feelings of overwhelm hitting me hard.

Below is a list of activities I've gradually added to my tool kit (minus showering). I love a good list but, if you don't, just thoughtfully consider which things could be beneficial or comforting to you in this time.

Things to consider doing daily:

    ◦    Walk, outside preferably, alone or with a safe friend, whichever you feel is best (Helps release endorphins, relieve discomfort, and boost mood).

    ◦    Eat - easy grab snacks and freezer meals will be your best friend.

    ◦    Drink water, lots of it, tears take a lot of you.

◦ Connect with other loss moms - online, in person or in a support group, find some people who understand and relate to what you're enduring.

◦ Find books or podcasts on grief and loss. (While We're Waiting - Hope After Child Loss, Everything Happens by Kate Bowler and Refuge in Grief by Megan Devine)

    ◦    Remember to take your vitamins (if applicable).

    ◦    Play peaceful, soothing music. Make a playlist?

Article - 6 Ways Music Helps Grief

◦    Find a good distraction - books, movies, shows. You’ll need a go-to break when you’ve cried all the tears you can in a day.

    ◦    Bath or shower (you don’t even need to get your hair wet, I get you!)

    ◦    Create - Draw, knit, paint, cross stitch, colour by number, garden - do whatever you find some enjoyment in.

    ◦    Write to your child, as much or as little as you’d like.

Article - How Writing Can Help You Through Your Grief

◦    Meditate - this one may be tricky for a while so keep it in your back pocket for later.

    ◦    Take your emotional temperature often. How are you feeling?  Did your last social interaction make you feel safe and understood or more exhausted and alone? Did you sleep okay? Are you feeling extra grievy? Do you need to adjust plans or expectations today?

How to Show Up for a Loss Family

    ◦    Meals (Meal train is a great tool.)

    ◦    Lawn care

    ◦    Gardening

    ◦    Grocery runs (help stock them up on their favourite breakfast and freezer meals)

    ◦    House cleaning

    ◦    Organization help

    ◦    Decorating for Christmas/Taking down decorations

    ◦    Tire changing (if applicable)

    ◦    Dump runs

    ◦    Taking their child(ren) out for a day, movie, or sleepover

Gift Ideas for a Loss Family

    ◦    Money - funeral and unexpected expenses add up so quickly and, even if those things are covered, money can be used to purchase some comfort items.

    ◦    Giant water bottles

    ◦    Cozy blankets

    ◦    Uber Eats gift cards

    ◦    Grocery cards

    ◦    Spa items - gift cards or hair/face mask

    ◦    Memorabilia -

     Necklaces with their name, birth flower, or fingerprint

Candles for the child’s birthdays or Christmas

          Quilt made of their shirts

     Shadow box with favourite items

       Ornaments

Poems with a picture

Step stone for their garden

Photo album

Gift certificate for massage (helps release oxytocin)

    ◦    Activities for their other child(ren)

Colouring books

Camera

Books on grief

Quiet toys

Stuffed animals

Fidgets

    Movie theatre certificates

For Those Surrounding the Grievers

The fact you are even reading this blog means you really care and love this person/family.  You will be so invaluable to them in this next darkest chapter.

The people who showed up for us in those days touched our hearts in such a powerful way.  As you help lift the family’s load, know you are making the heaviest days so much lighter, even if they can’t say it at the time.

Things to keep in mind

Everyone’s needs will vary. Some days, they’ll want to be surrounded by people and, the next day or days, they will need to be completely alone.

Making plans when you’re grieving is so difficult - you never know how you’re going to feel the next minute, never mind the next hour or day. Please be gracious as they may need to cancel, reschedule, or they may completely forget the plans.  

I, personally, wasn’t able to keep many plans until around 5 months in and, even then, I only made those plans with a small handful people who I knew would understand if I needed to bail.

The family’s home is likely feeling very sacred and full of memories. Offering to come over to their place may seem like the easiest option for them but it’s a good idea to ask them if that’s what they’d prefer.  Another reason - Having to leave a restaurant or friends home suddenly because grief has hit is one thing…asking someone to leave their home adds an uncomfortable layer that is hard to navigate.

Dropping off meals is a wonderful way to serve. One thing that was helpful for us was having a large cooler next to our front door.  The people who signed up for our meal train would place the meal in the cooler and leave. As much as I would’ve loved to thank each one of them at the door, I didn’t have the emotional space to have any conversations.  The early days of grief are so emotionally charged and difficult and the cooler eliminated any potential emotionally heightened conversations.

If you’re a loss parent, what things help you most?

I’d love to hear your ideas and thoughts in the comments.