Since you've been gone...

September 28, 2023

Since you’ve been gone, I feel myself searching for and filling my time, my wardrobe, and our home with things I think will bring me a spark, a moment of happiness…maybe even joy.  But I’m finding nothing does…what my heart is looking for, is you.      

I purchased a large order from one of my favourite clothing companies.  The excitement was growing as I waited for the package to arrive.  It had more clothes than I would normally buy and definitely totalled a higher amount than I would normally spend…how could this not make me happy, right?

The box arrived and it was bigger than I expected.  Some of the things I had forgotten I ordered.  It was a full, very large box.  I remember lifting each item out individually, examining it and then moving onto the next item.  I got through the whole box and then sat down slowly…I wasn’t happy.  How?!  I didn’t buy from this high end company normally, I didn’t buy this many items ever, and I hadn’t looked forward to an order this much before.  How was I still not happy?  Not even a little bit excited?

I remember the tears starting to roll as I realized that I was trying to fill a hole that will always be void because you’re not here.

I moved on.  I purged and decluttered every room of the house.  Clean surfaces was the goal. I definitely had some great dopamine hits opening a neatly organized drawer that had been previously stuffed to the brim with only a small clue of what it contained.  I could smile at my hard work and then I’d remember…you aren’t here.  My eyes would fill and the ache would return.

The paint!  Our house is entirely grey. Entirely.  SURELY painting the interior will make things feel brighter and lighter.  We are making it happen and most of the house will be painted.  It’ll look great, no doubt, but I already feel the nudge inside reminding me that nothing will do the trick.  The lighter walls will accentuate the natural light in our home but it won’t be able to shine through and light up my heart the way you did.

I know the end result but still find myself scrolling different stores for clothing, supplements, furniture, decor and wall sconces (apparently lighting is one of the best ways to elevate a room, so we NEED more wall sconces, obviously)….I think I don’t want to believe that I’ll always feel this ache and that maybe, just maybe, a bunch of these things combined will make me feel even slightly better…without you.

I’ve never experienced loss before and definitely not to this caliber.  There is no manual for how you’ll feel and the best way to cope.  I wish someone could tell me this was normal - the searching for things, purging drawers, painting rooms, revamping wardrobes. I believe it is all part of making peace with an impossible, new tension - I will never be fully whole again because a piece of me is with you always.

I’ll have to remind myself - this ache and void can’t be mended with things, people or incredible acts. It’ll be there because I loved you deeply, it’ll always be there because you transformed me. It cannot go away.

But I’m realizing this ache is a special kind of beauty mark….the kind you can’t see.  The kind you get when you’re touched by an angel.

I’m thinking of some really good ways to honour you, the treasure that you are.  We’ve got some amazing plans I think you would be so proud of.  I just really want to make you proud.

I think that’s all I can do now - do what I can to make you proud.  Get up, maintain healthy habits, love deeply, serve others, show up, take pictures, and patiently wait to be reunited with you. There’s no going back to normal since you’ve been gone but I can make new normals. They’ll look different than what I wanted but that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t want me to do them.

You lived life happiest when you were surrounded by the people you loved.  New equipment, pjs, outfits, and toys never made you happy, in fact, quite the opposite.  People did.  Being delighted in, did. Walks with your favourite people, did.

You showed me how beautifully simple life is. How material things never played a part in your joy and how it shouldn’t in mine…because it won’t work…guaranteed.

Georgia, Thank you for changing me, for showing me what’s important, for your cuddles, for your face swats, for your squeals, for your laughs and nose scrunches, for letting me love you. You impacted my life in ways I’m still discovering.   

All the butterflies and sunsets could be painted by you but I’ll still just miss you in my arms. I’ll never stop missing you.